Still tryin to understand my vicious cycle..

There’s one thing i dont quite understand bout myself.

My confidence stems from being sexually attactive to someone else.

It’s like my sole purpose here is to be attractive in a very primitive way.. only then that all other aspects of my life can function properly or even excel!

It’s weird. When I know someone appreciates me (in the lusting manner), I suddenly become very smart, even witty and my relationship with friends n family improves. Even my work gains from it.

Trouble begins when he starts to feel other things in life are more important than having sex with me. I’ll start the process of disintergrating again.

 

Tokyo – the side that i love!

It’s freedom when I’m in a new country. And for me its time to indulge. The peace of the mind. The total immersion of its culture. But most importantly the sexual experiences that the country can offer. enjoy!

To-kyo-ed

Hey yall! i went to tokyo n back! it was definitely worth every bit of effort i put it!!! woohoo!!

Work hard yall! and the sweet desserts shall be yours!

to-kyo

I will go Tokyo.

With my bare hands, I will go Tokyo.

Relying on no one else, I will Go Tokyo.

I shall rise. I will Go Tokyo.

I will go Tokyo. 

the ending…

…of a beautiful love

…of a sweet romance

…of pure simple sweetness

…of the damned vicious cycle.

and all comes full cycle.

i love u much. have been true n sincere. im sorry.

i didnt know it could hurt this much. i tot i was goin to save u from all future hurts. didnt know i was the one who was goin to hurt u so much. 1 out of 3 proportion of torture.

i wish upon the star that u and i will share a life together and that i may bring u joy n happiness in a beautiful sweet romance.

i love u.

the startin

Trapped in a world of hyprocracy… Drained every drop of my soul.

Chained in a world of politics… Curlin every drop of my blood.

Bonded in a world where words were more sinister than knives… Disgusted to the very core of my bones.

I seek refuge under the safe wings of my mother, the cosyness of the BackRoom makes everything feels right again.

 and this is only the beginning.

broken…. repair me? condemn me?

drawn into the world of puns n lies.

where do i start where do i end?

i lose myself.

drawn to the lust of money and power.

where do i stand where do i fall.

i succumbed myself.

drawn to the darkeness of all i despise.

where do i rot, where do i demise?

i destroy myself.

time and again

I’ve done it yet another time.

This time the guilt feels less.. am i allowin myself to get use to this.. this insanity of immorality.

the beautiful painting no more.. just more and more black stains.

the perfect love no more.. just more and more tainted.

it is time to end.

yet again another vicious cycle comes full cycle.

remember

My heart broke into a million pieces when he sat down… beside u… i’m so fuckin guilty i wanna die over n over again. for all the things he had done fer me. nobody has ever treated me like he does… i cant bring myself to look at him. for all the times i held my head up high.. its now lower than the lowest slumps. im worse than a slut.

A new beginning

Very pretty Earrings.. white gold.. glitter like they had diamonds on them.. good buy.. bought with the money from what my late grandfather left for me.

Have been wearin them since i bought it.. seems like a reminder that he is gone, took the bad things away.. and left behind somethin good..

Tears flowed… so much… regretfully more from angst than from loss… I blamed him fer my mess… I blamed my grandma fer shelterin me.. i blamed my mom fer not bein smarter… i blamed them all who has showered me love….

We are all human.. we all flaw… we fall, we learn, we grow.. i almost forgot what we are here for..

He left somethin good… he was a good man…. yes he had a second wife… but he stuck by her till his end..a fact i conveniently forgot when i was too busy blamin others…

The funeral: a ritual for the dead to pass on… a ritual for the living to make peace.

Very pretty earrings.. a new beginning with an old soul..

New house, new job, new life, new me.