to-kyo

I will go Tokyo.

With my bare hands, I will go Tokyo.

Relying on no one else, I will Go Tokyo.

I shall rise. I will Go Tokyo.

I will go Tokyo. 

the ending…

…of a beautiful love

…of a sweet romance

…of pure simple sweetness

…of the damned vicious cycle.

and all comes full cycle.

i love u much. have been true n sincere. im sorry.

i didnt know it could hurt this much. i tot i was goin to save u from all future hurts. didnt know i was the one who was goin to hurt u so much. 1 out of 3 proportion of torture.

i wish upon the star that u and i will share a life together and that i may bring u joy n happiness in a beautiful sweet romance.

i love u.

the startin

Trapped in a world of hyprocracy… Drained every drop of my soul.

Chained in a world of politics… Curlin every drop of my blood.

Bonded in a world where words were more sinister than knives… Disgusted to the very core of my bones.

I seek refuge under the safe wings of my mother, the cosyness of the BackRoom makes everything feels right again.

 and this is only the beginning.

broken…. repair me? condemn me?

drawn into the world of puns n lies.

where do i start where do i end?

i lose myself.

drawn to the lust of money and power.

where do i stand where do i fall.

i succumbed myself.

drawn to the darkeness of all i despise.

where do i rot, where do i demise?

i destroy myself.

time and again

I’ve done it yet another time.

This time the guilt feels less.. am i allowin myself to get use to this.. this insanity of immorality.

the beautiful painting no more.. just more and more black stains.

the perfect love no more.. just more and more tainted.

it is time to end.

yet again another vicious cycle comes full cycle.

remember

My heart broke into a million pieces when he sat down… beside u… i’m so fuckin guilty i wanna die over n over again. for all the things he had done fer me. nobody has ever treated me like he does… i cant bring myself to look at him. for all the times i held my head up high.. its now lower than the lowest slumps. im worse than a slut.

A new beginning

Very pretty Earrings.. white gold.. glitter like they had diamonds on them.. good buy.. bought with the money from what my late grandfather left for me.

Have been wearin them since i bought it.. seems like a reminder that he is gone, took the bad things away.. and left behind somethin good..

Tears flowed… so much… regretfully more from angst than from loss… I blamed him fer my mess… I blamed my grandma fer shelterin me.. i blamed my mom fer not bein smarter… i blamed them all who has showered me love….

We are all human.. we all flaw… we fall, we learn, we grow.. i almost forgot what we are here for..

He left somethin good… he was a good man…. yes he had a second wife… but he stuck by her till his end..a fact i conveniently forgot when i was too busy blamin others…

The funeral: a ritual for the dead to pass on… a ritual for the living to make peace.

Very pretty earrings.. a new beginning with an old soul..

New house, new job, new life, new me.

Primates n thinkers

Quoting a reply from my previous post, “Same kinda stuff happens to me. I think it’s genetic. There’s a switch in our brains that make us instinctively go for the loosers. It’s infallible. Solution? As my aunt once told me ‘when choosing a partner, you cannot think with this (her hands hovering over her privates), instead think with this (her hands cupping her head).’ ”

Hah! I could not agree more!! Recently I picked up a book by Allan Pease – Why men dont have a clue and women always need more shoes. We ARE wired to choose guys ”using this to think (her hands hovering over her privates)” We go for guys with broad shoulders, tight waist, tight perky butt. All this to ensure survival! I know I know its very primate… but it is very natural! And makes a lot of sense. And i knew this somehow way back even when i was younger.. hehehe

Having said that, guys who are the lead of their pack will also naturally want to spread their seeds wider! To ensure as many of their off-spring as possible.

We are just victims of nature..!! lol

Another aspect of the reply… “There’s a switch in our brains that make us instinctively go for the loosers.”

A life coach once told me, “what you resist, persist”

Think about it.

MY reality

I grew up in a household of 3 generations of female.. 1 woman each.

So where are the men?

My grandfather is living with his second wife.

My father is living with his second wife.

I am off course not yet married.

My first boyfriend( who trophied my first kiss): kissed another girl when he was still tryin to get me into bed.

My second boyfriend: courted me to win a bet of 12 packs of cigerretts.

My third boyfriend: Flirted sexually with another girl on ICQ. Insists on boys night out so that he can approach other girls. Gave me infection and still insisted that he didnt sleep with someone else.

Had a friend's bf askin me if I wanna be his 2nd girlfriend.

Had another guy who slept with me while he was havin a girlfriend.

And I'm still encountering guys who wants to cheat on their girlfriends.

Tell me how am I supposed to have faith that boyfriends or husbands will not cheat on me?

How am I suppossed to trust?

This is the kind of reality I live in.

So weak….

There was a time where I knew what I wanted… and I worked hard fer it.

There was a time where I loved pain… knowin in full faith that it will bring me where I wanted to go.

There was a time where I knew nothin could bring me down.

I was strong.

Relationships failed… I fell and I got up .. fast

Sacrifices made just for the grades.. but it felt great

Physical pain was momentary and and gives a special kind of high.

Friends looked up to me.. sayin that I was "always changin, always moulding myself to be a better person"

Now I'm just a useless weakling.

I cant protect myself from hurt. I'm so vulnerable.

I fall and I stay down.. I stay down and rot..

Failure has become me… I have become failure.

I feel like there is nothin that I can achieve.

I'm a weakling. I hate it. I hate every moment of it.

Dwelling in failure for 5 years. It has become a way of life. A kind of life where I just lie on my bed.. lookin at the beautiful skies and trees…. beware.. for nature fools u sometimes..

I'm in no position to give anybody advice.. I'm so weak.

I'm so scared…. I'm so afraid of the pain that I need to go through…. but i need to breakthrough to spread my wings..  

I want to be weak no more.

And I shall rise in full splendour once again.