The Vicious Cycle

The Vicious Cycle

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:: Flaunt :: Flirt :: Fling :: <http://frenchcuffs.wordpress.com/> Confessions of a CasanovaYou, beautiful you. <http://frenchcuffs.wordpress.com/2006/03/28/you-beautiful-you/>March 28th, 2006 Yes, it's me writing you again.

Been thinking a great deal about you these days, even though I was busy and preoccupied at work. I find myself thinking you at work, and sometimes it gets embarassing because I get aroused, and then I hope no one notices the bulge on the front of my pants.

When I do see you, I enjoy every little moment with you. It's unfortunate that work prevents me from spending as much time I'd like to with you, but even the little silly SMSes you send or the in-between work MSN messagings never fails to put a smile on my face when I think of you. And then I'd think of how wonderful it'd be making love to you.

It's like that James Blunt song- "you're beautiful, it's true."

And believe me, it's great having you around in my life, Princess.

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He has described exactly how I wish my man will feel bout me. !3 posts of blog entries within a day about a girl. its saddening cuz as soon as I thought I have that man…. it disappears and I tell myself its not real… then i find this blog entry talkin bout another girl.. and re-affirming that there is such a thing..

Yet at the same time.. it comes with a price as with any other thing.. he is a flirt.

" 1 must become whole before he/she can be half of 1(a couple)." Oprah

How do I become whole? maybe i know the answers.. but it will take a looong time.. and everytime before that can happen.. some guy comes along and promises that its ok.. to go into a r/s even though  im not ready and convince me to try. and the cycle starts again…

We fall in love… I feel that its save with this guy cuz he's special, he's different, he really loves me….. then I start to put in more effort into the r/s as well as a little more of myself each day. when im totally immersed, !BAM here is the same scary creature from mars….. he wants more time to himself, he wants to go party with his friends, he flirts with other girls, he wants "guys night out" decoded: freedom fr his girl and opportunity to meet new girls.

And leaves me once again back to the end of this familiar cycle.

For many months i wake up everyday excited. Excited at what the world is gonna give us that day. For "every weather is great weather when you are in love" quoted from the show Casanova.

I saw beautiful colours around me.
Felt the gentle caressing of the wind.
The air was sweet.
Drawing energy from a bottomless well.
Hamsters were cute, dogs were adorable.

All the richness of the colours have just turned blend.
Dont feel the wind, dont smell the air.
And the well has disapperared.
I hate the hamsters.

Now there is nothin to look forward to in the morning when I wake up. I just wish I cld sleep forever. Not even the rare- and- very- much- looked- forward- to friends outing makes me happy or spark even a tinge of excitment.

I still dance for him. Still want to dance with him. Dress for him.
He does not look.
He dances not for me or with me. He dresses not for me.

I have ruined yet another r/s. He feels obligated to meet me. It is a sucky feelin to feel that someone is obligated to see u. Obligated like he is forced to, doin a duty and not a spontaneous want or that he misses u. He is not excited to see u as you are looking forward to seeing him every moment that u are separated.

No more sweet morning calls or smses.

The fear of lonliness downin upon me like huge heavy blankets that I have no strength to uncover. The depressing ending of a r/s with a man I thought was the one. 

In the end it is still me who has to go through these ordeal alone.